What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Losing Touch

This weekend, Andy and I got away. We left the kids with my brother and parents and ran off on a little weekend just for us. Now, I had some aspirations of putting on a couples weekend myself through the church but frankly, these people at Family Life have been doing it for a really long time and they are just good at it. We don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Several couples from the church went.

I’m not very big on these conferences. After all, Andy and I have been married 10 years. What more could we need to learn about being married? We’ve already made it!

I know. It’s a little arrogant and naive.

I got there expecting to use the experience as time for Andy and I and basically ignore the speakers and play on my phone and just enjoy being away from my needy kids for a while.

It was so much more than that. When you have 3 kids you slowly lose touch with your spouse and it is so subtle. You are parenting, working, living… only sometimes sleeping. So if there is a conversation that needs to happen, often it gets pushed off because there is no conversation that is going to happen that takes longer than 30 seconds. And Family Life knows how to ask the questions that make those conversations happen.

All I’m saying is, there is alot I have to learn about Andy. There is alot he has to learn about me and although we are happy, we need weekends like this to remind us of that.

If you get a chance to do one, take it. It’s worth it.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Grown Ups

So, we are all grown ups, presumably, when we get married and yet there are many times when I see a relationship circling the toilet bowl because one or the other or both are being treated like children.

Ladies – Men are grown ups. How many times have I heard, “He couldn’t survive if I was gone for a few days.” I beg to differ. He might be eating out of a can for a while but he will survive. He might not put the kid in anything but jammies for 3 days but they will both survive. Men can handle life and parenting and all of that without us. It doesn’t mean they want to. I just means they can. They can learn to cook. They are capable of cleaning the house. They can get a job on their own and they will figure out how to schedule their own dental appointments. They can handle it. And sometimes we REALLY need to let them… WITHOUT CRITICIZING! It’s important for us to let them do the dishes and then not fix it if it wasn’t done our way. It’s important for us to let them make a meal and then eat it and not say anything about how it could have been better.

Men – Women are grown ups. They can put together a dresser, change a tire and drive just as good if not better than you. Women are completely capable of holding down a job, mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. Ladies can do anything you can do… and it’s important for you to let us sometimes. This isn’t the death of chivalry. But just as you don’t like being criticized, neither do we. It’s not fun being a superwoman. It’s not fun doing it all. But it’s possible.

Once you realize that you are not needed like a parent is needed by a baby but wanted, your relationship will change for the better. I promise.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Henpecking

One thing I noticed as I grew up and listened to women gathering around was the henpecking of husbands.

“My husband doesn’t clean up his socks.”

“My husband leaves hair in the sink!”

“My husband always wants to have sex all the time.”

Mercy. There was so much annoyance with these men. Why did they put up with it? I didn’t really want to get married. I mean, my body and culture told me that finding a mate was important but then all this discontent made me think that maybe I should just avoid it. When things started to get serious with Andy, I had alot of doubts and no comfort to be found.

Until one day…

When a lady and I were taking a mid day stroll and she told me how much she loved being married and that her husband was awesome and 12 years later they were happy.

I thought about my parents who are still married after 30 years and my aunts and uncles and Andy’s relatives that are still married. There had to be something there.

I found that when I talked up Andy, I loved him all the more. I found friends who liked to be married and talked about their husbands in a positive way. Since I have been married, I have found more and more people like this.

It’s easy to henpeck. Who doesn’t like a good gripe session “just to clear the air?” But the truth is, this doesn’t make marriage fun. In fact, it magnifies every thing that you are discontented with.

Find the things that your mate does that make you happy and share them when you can. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. If you have something nice, SAY IT! Talk them up because what you talk about when you aren’t around them is what you think about when you are. If you tell your girlfriends that your husband is an amazing dad who plays with the kids, you will go home and notice as soon as he takes time to spend with the children.

Try it and see what happens.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Silence

Ok, so I happened to be privy to one side of a conversation between a husband and wife (wife side), when the phone rang, the wife, having been awoken from a sound sleep by the call, didn’t even listen to one thing the husband said before she berated him for calling when he knew she was sleeping. At that moment, I changed my mind about how I was going to talk to my husband.

My cousin Jay told me that men just want to be treated nice. This is also true of women. I believe that familiarity breads contempt, But we did WANT to live together, after all. Can’t we just talk nice? I’m amazed at how mean I hear people talk to each other. BOTH SIDES!!!

I’ve heard husbands treat their wives like dirt and women parent their husbands. Come on, people! Expectations that your mate will be a certain way or conform to a set of behaviors will inevitably bring out the “teacher” in everyone. Watch your tone of voice and realize that when someone tells you that you are making them feel a certain way, you need to take note and think about how you are treating them.

Remember you are not your mates teacher. You ‘are their helpmate, their partner, their buddy!

Small Town Living – Saved by Amazon

Truth: Not only is this a small town but we are enclosed by mountains and the nearest mall is literally 2.5 hours away. There is nothing learned in a small town if not patience and planning. Plain and simple, there is no where to get certain things… at least right away. We have the essentials – depending on what you believe the essentials are.

There is no where to purchase nice men’s clothing. My husband actually subscribes to a service that sends him clothing in a box in just his size and he can try them on and send them back if he doesn’t like whatever was in the box.

Trunk Club for Men

He just keeps what he likes. But if there is a clothing emergency… he’s basically limited to Walmart’s selection.

So for those of us who can’t find what we want in a local store, internet shopping is the only way to go. Living here has taught me to wait and maybe… that not everything is a NEED. Maybe, I just need to save money. When forced to wait, I’m forced to think and well, it’s easier sometimes to just say, “I don’t need that now and I won’t need it then. Let’s save that money for something else.”

But when I do NEED something, I’m usually saved by Amazon…

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

No secret I’m a super hero movie freak! I’m also a girl. There aren’t a lot of prominent girl superheros. However, I’ve noticed one thing: whenever the super hero man needs a boost, many times, it’s the kiss of his lady that gives him that confidence to go out and take on the world. This is not a myth.

We as women wield great power. Our power isn’t just that with 10 seconds and a teaspoon of man juice, we can replicate human DNA. Although that is an awesome super power, it’s not the one I’m talking about. I’m talking about the power of love (and not he 80’s power ballad.) Women can give a man confidence. Like magic, when we say something, do something, show our man he is THE MAN, he can go out and accomplish great things because he is going out in confidence.

Inversely, with this great power comes great responsibility. We are responsible for taking that power from him if we choose. Every time we disrespect him, cut him down, refuse to extend our love and assurance – we are abusing that power. Be careful, ladies. It’s a great thing we have an awesome responsibility we wield.

It’s not like our man doesn’t have power on his own. It’s not like we don’t either. But together, we are a complete superhero!

~the wifey

*all images were found via google

Beauty Unrecognized

Sometimes I wonder whether we should tell people about their beauty.

We women spend alot of time getting it together in the morning just to be able to leave the house with confidence. (side note: We completely erase our face and then paint it on again, squeeze ourselves into incredibly uncomfortable undergarments to smooth out our natural body shape and paste, prod and overheat our hair to make it into a desirable shape. It’s exhausting.)

Once I was in a glass elevator and in the next elevator over, also glass, was a woman and man. She was obviously the mother of the bride and dressed beautifully. I motioned to her that she looked great and she mouthed “Thank you!” It made me realize how much like my mother I am. I am blunt and obvious and when there is any chance of giving a compliment, I don’t think about consequences, I just blurt it out.

A woman came into the store the other day and she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. She seemed a little insecure. She placed an order and then came back several days later to pick it up and I had all that time to wonder whether I should blurt out that she was just gorgeous. My sister works with me and she didn’t even hesitate. “You are so beautiful. I just thought you should know.” I wonder if she thought we were crazy. Does it matter? Even if it gave her the littlest boost of confidence and a small incite into how all that work she must put into putting herself together in the morning is paying off, was it worth it?

Pine Cone & Frost

Purple Aster