What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Kids

If you expect that when you get married and have a baby, that baby will be first in both your lives…. get over it now. Babies and kids take up alot of time because they can’t feed themselves and they need to be changed and then they have to be dressed and even when they are partially self sufficient, we can’t boot them out the door at 6 and expect them to be successful. They have to be supported and taught.

However, this should not take priority over your husband/wife. This has been discussed over and over at length, even by me. I’m not divorced and I don’t have other children that are not Andy’s and he has no other’s that are not mine. It’s hard for me to comment on a situation with which I have no experience but I would venture to say that even when you’re children are not mutual, they should not take priority over your marriage.

One way you can show this to your spouse is by getting some childcare every now and then (weekly is ideal but not always practical), so you can both do something together without the kids. Another way is to not allow the kids to interrupt a conversation between mommy and daddy. Another good way to to set a very strict bedtime (in your room) time for the kids allowing mommy and daddy to have a few minutes alone at the end of everyday to communicate without being asked for snacks, water, help with this project, a story, and/or any other plethora of things they want from you.

What are your ideas? How do you make time for your spouse in a parenting world that makes the kids kings?

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Friends with Benefits

When I was in high school I had friends of all genders. However, when I got married, this had to change. I had some guy friends who were really good friends but when Andy and I got together, not for lack of trust, I intentionally was more careful with those friendships. Whether it’s my fascination with When Harry Met Sally or whatever, I understand that guys and girls can’t be “best friends” and nothing else. Andy had to be my best friend and all others had to be after that. He had to be my priority. I intentionally had to become friends with my guy friends girlfriends. I couldn’t invite just him out for coffee. The wife needed that invitation. The girlfriend had to feel like I was trying to be their friend or her friend but if I focused on him, I was a threat. I made a special effort to include Andy’s girl friends in activities that we did together so he wouldn’t lose the friendship. If I wanted to do an activity with a guy friend, I always made sure Andy could come.

Any time I felt like I wanted special attention from a male, I was even more careful.

It’s easy to say, “We’re just friends,” and use some sitcom as a model for how we have friends. But Chandler and Monica got married, and even though Ross and Rachel took a break, they ended up together. Phoebe and Joey always felt a little on the outside.

So let’s be honest, it’s not ok. It’s not ok for our spouse to be anything other than first priority. We can’t be sitting around in some other persons house, shooting the breeze when it could easily become a compromising situation. We can’t be making life plans over coffee with someone other than our spouse… alone. We have to want him first. We have to look at him first and all this has to be intentional. It’s not natural. It’s got to be a choice and soon it will be second nature but it’s not what comes easy.

What do you think? Am I to rigid about this idea? Does your spouse have friends of the opposite gender that you don’t mind? Do they spend alot of time together?

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Grown Ups

So, we are all grown ups, presumably, when we get married and yet there are many times when I see a relationship circling the toilet bowl because one or the other or both are being treated like children.

Ladies – Men are grown ups. How many times have I heard, “He couldn’t survive if I was gone for a few days.” I beg to differ. He might be eating out of a can for a while but he will survive. He might not put the kid in anything but jammies for 3 days but they will both survive. Men can handle life and parenting and all of that without us. It doesn’t mean they want to. I just means they can. They can learn to cook. They are capable of cleaning the house. They can get a job on their own and they will figure out how to schedule their own dental appointments. They can handle it. And sometimes we REALLY need to let them… WITHOUT CRITICIZING! It’s important for us to let them do the dishes and then not fix it if it wasn’t done our way. It’s important for us to let them make a meal and then eat it and not say anything about how it could have been better.

Men – Women are grown ups. They can put together a dresser, change a tire and drive just as good if not better than you. Women are completely capable of holding down a job, mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. Ladies can do anything you can do… and it’s important for you to let us sometimes. This isn’t the death of chivalry. But just as you don’t like being criticized, neither do we. It’s not fun being a superwoman. It’s not fun doing it all. But it’s possible.

Once you realize that you are not needed like a parent is needed by a baby but wanted, your relationship will change for the better. I promise.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Henpecking

One thing I noticed as I grew up and listened to women gathering around was the henpecking of husbands.

“My husband doesn’t clean up his socks.”

“My husband leaves hair in the sink!”

“My husband always wants to have sex all the time.”

Mercy. There was so much annoyance with these men. Why did they put up with it? I didn’t really want to get married. I mean, my body and culture told me that finding a mate was important but then all this discontent made me think that maybe I should just avoid it. When things started to get serious with Andy, I had alot of doubts and no comfort to be found.

Until one day…

When a lady and I were taking a mid day stroll and she told me how much she loved being married and that her husband was awesome and 12 years later they were happy.

I thought about my parents who are still married after 30 years and my aunts and uncles and Andy’s relatives that are still married. There had to be something there.

I found that when I talked up Andy, I loved him all the more. I found friends who liked to be married and talked about their husbands in a positive way. Since I have been married, I have found more and more people like this.

It’s easy to henpeck. Who doesn’t like a good gripe session “just to clear the air?” But the truth is, this doesn’t make marriage fun. In fact, it magnifies every thing that you are discontented with.

Find the things that your mate does that make you happy and share them when you can. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. If you have something nice, SAY IT! Talk them up because what you talk about when you aren’t around them is what you think about when you are. If you tell your girlfriends that your husband is an amazing dad who plays with the kids, you will go home and notice as soon as he takes time to spend with the children.

Try it and see what happens.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Silence

Ok, so I happened to be privy to one side of a conversation between a husband and wife (wife side), when the phone rang, the wife, having been awoken from a sound sleep by the call, didn’t even listen to one thing the husband said before she berated him for calling when he knew she was sleeping. At that moment, I changed my mind about how I was going to talk to my husband.

My cousin Jay told me that men just want to be treated nice. This is also true of women. I believe that familiarity breads contempt, But we did WANT to live together, after all. Can’t we just talk nice? I’m amazed at how mean I hear people talk to each other. BOTH SIDES!!!

I’ve heard husbands treat their wives like dirt and women parent their husbands. Come on, people! Expectations that your mate will be a certain way or conform to a set of behaviors will inevitably bring out the “teacher” in everyone. Watch your tone of voice and realize that when someone tells you that you are making them feel a certain way, you need to take note and think about how you are treating them.

Remember you are not your mates teacher. You ‘are their helpmate, their partner, their buddy!

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Uncompromising Rigidity

How many of us are selfish and want our own way? (Yes, you better be raising your hand because we all are.)

found via Google

Found Via Google

found via Google

Truth: When two people hop into a relationship, they are saying, “Hey, let’s do (at least some) stuff together.” They aren’t always going to agree and they aren’t always going to want to give in. Couples don’t have to do everything together. But if you never agree and never compromise then you aren’t in a relationship. You are roommates… maybe.

You cannot expect your partner to change or do things. We cannot change other’s – only ourselves. This means that you, yes you, must be the one to compromise. DON’T GIVE YOUR PARTNER A LOOK RIGHT NOW!

You have to be the one to change your mind.

When Andy and I first got married, I had a very definite way I wanted the house kept. When he didn’t meet that expectation, I had three options: divorce him, keep up the house myself with no expection for him to help, change my mind about how the house should be kept. Option 2 and option 3 are equally acceptable in this situation. Do not expect you partner to do anything. Either do it yourself or give up the expectation that it should be done.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Incompatability

There are a few things that one should expect in a relationship – mutual respect for one. A person should be able to be in a relationship and expect not to be cheated on. They should also feel free from abuse – verbal, mental, and physical.

image found via google

One thing that puts relationships on the rocks from the get go is when one person is “saving” the other. There is no thought for compatibility. You must realize from the beginning that if you are either being saved or saving, this relationship is doomed. You cannot save someone (with a romantic relationship OR a friendship or any type of relationship) from poverty, depression, mental illness, or addiction. A person who is saved by another is automatically obligated to that person, no matter how much that savior insists they are not. A person who saves someone automatically has the expectation that the saved person will not fall back into the pit they were pulled out of and there is to much hurt when they do to not create relationship killing tension.

image found via google

Real compatibility must be free of expectation. This means that there are common interests but no expectation for someone who is not a camper to become one once the relationship has been going for a while.  There may be inside jokes between a couple but there can be no expectation for a partner to make your day better by being funny.

Do not expect someone to convert to your religion or keep your customs. Do not expect a partner to want to honor every family tradition you are used to. Do not expect an understanding of a culture someone did not grow up in.

Image found via Google

I’m not saying that people who do not share a common religion, race and/or culture should not be together but if you find a special someone and expect them to move to another country, join a new church or learn to cook a new cuisine just to satisfy you, you are kidding yourself.

What do you think? Am I totally off base? Should we expect someone to change themselves for us? Are my rules unreasonable?

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: This Ain’t No Hollywood Love Story

For some reason, Hollywood loves to present romance and love and all things relationship with the “all you need is love” mentality. Why do they do that to us? Love ain’t enough.

First of all, the older we get, the more our bodies change. We won’t be that wonderful combination of super model and girl next door forever. You can’t expect that a woman will pop out three kids and look like a Hollywood starlet. You can’t expect that a man will work like a dog to provide you with what you need and still have abs like he did when his life centered around working out and playing video games.

Snuggling: well, we all know that peoples limbs fall asleep and a chest isn’t as comfortable as a pillow. Sex is messy and life is hard and we all need a sleep number bed and maybe a CPAP someday so…. There’s that.

image from the Notebook

Love is not grand romantic gestures and kissing in the rain. Do that sometimes if you can but remember that the best relationships are the ones that have a husband who makes coffee for his wife every morning and a wife that jumps up and kisses him as soon as he walks through the door every day. They are the ones who make each other a priority all the time and who just plain treat each other nice.

What has your experience been? Have you been as frustrated with Hollywood’s portrayal of love as I have?

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: The Letdown

This series of articles are about relationship advice. I don’t want to get to preachy but I feel like I have something to say about relationships. I’ve been married for 10 years now and we still like each other. That’s saying something. I know many people have been married longer than I and what works for one couple might not work for another but there are a few universal truths that I think apply to all relationships, no matter the dynamic.

The whole premise of this series is expectation. My thesis is simply status thus: Unrealistic and therefore unrealized expectations will kill relationships.

Let’s be honest, there are alot of things that we expect out of a partner. We may not even realize that we expect things until we don’t get them.

Who puts these expectations in our heads? Could be parents who insist on telling us what we deserve or what they deserved and didn’t get. Often it is the media with love stories containing grand romantic gestures. It could be observation of other relationships from the outside. Whatever the reason, most people go into a relationship with expectation and often months or even years into it, they are still expecting.

So many are doomed to experience the letdown. Either there are feelings that the relationship has lost the “fire” or someone isn’t getting what they “deserve.” Regardless, many relationships are abandoned due to unrealized, unrealistic expectations.

Can this be avoided? You may agree with me or you may not. I can’t wait what you have to input!

Small Town Living – Relationships

Listening to a client who came into the store, I heard this statement, “I just don’t have time to waste on things I don’t care about. I only spend time on activities I really enjoy.”

Interesting. So I assume you are a recluse then? You don’t have many friends? You don’t find it easy to foster relationships with people? Are you happy being alone with your passions? If that’s true, more power to you! I know there are introverts who need time away from others to recharge. But does that really mean they want to be alone and without friends? FOREVER?! ALL THE TIME?! I doubt it.

If you only spend time on activites/passions that are important to YOU, you will rarely, if ever find it easy to foster relationships with people around you. How many yous are there out there? How many people are going to connect with you on every activity that you find important?

Pine Cone & Frost

Purple Aster