5 year old: I work at a hospital!
Daddy: What do you do at the hospital?
5 Year Old: I’m a Boss at a hospital and I don’t do anything because Bosses do nothing.
Daddy: chuckling to myself…
Tag Archives: mommy
Like Giving Birth
Why do my girls need Daddy so much? I don’t know.
I’m sitting here, completely available and the five year old has enlisted Daddy to write the story she is making up and that’s when the three year old completely ignores me and goes to DADDY to try and get him to play. He is busy writing with a leg up on the chair like Usher sitting on his Voice throne. The three year old, not getting the imediate results she wants forces her head threw his propped up leg and looks up at her daddy’s face saying in a whiny voice, “Dadddyyyy… PLAY WITH ME!” The five year old replies, “We are writing a story here,” in her perfectly 15 year old sarcastic, sing song voice. Mercy, we are SCREWED later…
Daddy looks over at me and comments on the three year old’s approach to getting attention (the crawling threw his leg thing) and says, “It’s like giving birth.”
I look him right in the eye and say, “No. It’s not.”
A Lesson in Absolutes for New Parents
As a new parent, I gave in to the hormones every other day and made “absolute” statements all the time. Like most new parents, I was terrified and in awe of my new baby. She was perfect, she was innocent and suddenly, I had motherly instincts of protection and they were in overdrive. This instinct is where the “absolute” statement is born and it usually begins with, “My children will NEVER….” or, “We are planning to make sure our children always…”
Let’s take a look at some of these statements I made when I was a new mother and see how I measure up to my own expectations, shall we?
“My child will never eat at McDonalds!” – until I am on a long car ride and in a small town that I don’t know and there are only little local dives that look… frightening. McDonalds might be the only reliably awful thing around. I pull into the McDonalds faster than a Nascar racer. McDonalds, in all its unhealthy glory will be the only place I can find where my babies can run free in the play place and get out the wiggles while I refuel on a Caramel Macciato. Not only do I take them there on trips but whenever I need to get out of the house, have very little money and only want to have to watch one exit because when there are two of them and one of me, McDonalds suddenly becomes HEAVEN ON EARTH!
“We are planning to make sure our kids only watch a half hour of TV a day and then only after they have had educational blah blah blah blah and/or while I’m doing their hair so they will sit still.” – until I am crazy tired and one decides to wake up at the crack of dawn and ask for food. I get them a frozen waffle, a sippy of juice a nice long TV show and whew… back to bed for mommy. Not only do I allow them to watch outrageously more TV than I ever planned, but the happiest moment of my life was when my oldest could wield the remote on her own (thank you NETFLIX for giving me the ability to have a queue that I can fill with only children’s programing and no commercials) and make her own frozen waffles in the toaster.
“My kids are never going to have Disney Princess stuff. It gives them all the wrong idea of what’s important.” – until I go into Walmart. I live in a small town and sometimes there is no other option and after many purchases against my former statement, I noticed that although my girls are princesses, there is nothing wrong with it and whatever… they are not being abused or taught to be abusers so… I’m cool with it.
“We are planning to make sure our kids only go into school after they are 7 or 8 and never go to a daycare.” – until we both get jobs, need jobs and can’t afford the luxury of being stay at home parents. We were offered a slow introduction to school for our kids and free childcare by my mother and well… who can pass that up? It’s FREE! And who can say what is going to happen in the future? I’ve seen many a kid come out of daycare and be PERFECTLY HEALTHY! There is just no other way to do it sometimes. The luxury of being a stay at home parent isn’t always practical.
“I will never yell, spank, or freak out. I will always have a discipline plan that I stick to.” – until the first time my child back talked to me and then I was like, “My head is EXPLODING!” Do I make mistakes, change my mind constantly about what we want to do, and deal with completely unforeseen circumstances in the middle of an expensive theme park experience that cause us to think about letting our kid act out without the normal consequences just so we can get our moneys worth? You better believe it.
“We are planning to only have babysitters that we know very well and have had a thorough background check.” – until we haven’t had a date night in months and need to have a conversation without a kid using us as a jungle gym or interrupting us OVER and OVER! “Mommy, um…. mommy, mommy mommy MOMMY?!” “WHAT?! Can’t you see I’m trying to have a chat with DADDY?! Give us a second?! Now… what the hell were we talking about?” That’s when I called everyone I knew and finally settled on a friend of a friend who I had never met and said, “Have at it,” and we went out and never looked back.
I could go on and on about what I planned to have my child learn to read before the age of 3, or how I planned to potty train them to cut down on the cost of diapers (you don’t potty train them, they train you and when they are ready to use the potty, if they are 2 or 6 or 25, you will most likely not be able to MAKE them do it any faster than they want to), or any number of plans I had for them that were completely impractical.
I can’t tell you how often I have walked through the mall and seen children and thought, “Not my kid. They will NEVER do that.” And then they do. And what can I do but deal with it in the best way I know how? I am only human and so are my children and so are those other parents. I hope that parenting is teaching me something important that I never thought I needed to learn… to be less judgmental.
The conclusion I have come to is that I should just keep my mouth shut about the absolutes (usually spoken to a friend when watching someone else parent their children), communicate with the other parent in a fluid and constant way and realize that every situation will warrant a new way of “dealing.” Parenting is not right or wrong… usually. As long as there is no abuse, we are all doing the very best we can and what more can you ask from sleep deprived people growers?
All the World is a Stage…
This afternoon I was treated to a stage show by our five year old. It was really cute to see her create a story with princess magnets. Oh I just love the imagination of this child.
Raising Daughters
As a dad of two beautiful daughters, this blog really impressed me. It has given me some good food for thought.
Hooked on Phonics for ME!!!
Abby has been attending Pre-K since last fall. She attends two days a week and loves every minute of it. She simply adores her teacher. Abby is in the process of learning how to read. She knows her ABC’s, and the sound each letter makes, and can decode some words. Now its just a matter of getting her to put everything together. I enjoy reading, but it takes me forever to get through one book. The time it takes me to get through one my wife has read 6 or 7 different books. We both enjoy reading to our daughters and we want them to have a love for reading.
The problem I am having while teaching Abby how to read is all the RULES. I don’t remember any of the rules when it comes to short or long vowels, silent letters and that is just the beginning. I think I need Hooked on Phonics for Daddy’s. I’m most likely making a bigger deal then it really is. But still, the English language is HARD. The positives that I am taking away from this is that I have to research and review all the rules in order to help Abby learn. If anything its something we can both do together.
I realize it will be a long journey, but it should be a fun ride.
This morning I stumbled across a website that I will keep handy to help ME as well as our daughters learn the process of reading.
http://www.icanteachmychild.com/2012/02/10-steps-to-teaching-your-child-to-read/
We will also be using Star Fall to help us with our phonics.
Wake the Hell Up!!!
I found this article by Jeff Pearlman really interesting. If you want to check it out go ahead, but first a few of my thoughts. I put this post together a couple of years ago, but the article and my thoughts still hold true.
My wife is an AMAZING stay at home mom, and I do my best to give her a break when she needs it. However, there are times when I feel myself falling into the trap of just vegging in front of the laptop and just zoning out. Or I will go out and play a round of golf, when I have the time. Even though I am busy with school, work, and being a daddy, I do my best to help her out with our daughters. Now that our roles have changed and I stay home with our girls when I’m not working. It’s always good to get a break from our girls. My wife and I are like tag team partners. We each take turns to give each other a break.
I know not all of the following apply to me, but I do enjoy a round of golf when I can, but I always try and make sure everything is OK first.
The following is a good guide to help create a good foundation to building great relationships with your children and to help keep our priorities as dads straight:
For you, I offer these 10 commandments of righteous fatherhood. Pay close attention, because, behind your back, people are pitying your wife:
1. No golf on weekends: Seriously, it’s ludicrous. Your spouse is home with the kids all the time, and you think it’s OK to take five hours on a weekend day to pursue your own pastime? Selfishness, thy name is Father.
2. Wake up: Literally, wake up. With your kids. On at least one of the two weekend days — and perhaps both. I know: you wake up early for work. Not even remotely the same thing. Rising alongside the kiddies is hard. And crazy. And (gasp!) sorta fun, if you’d just stop moping.
3. Change diapers: If you have little kids, and you don’t know how to change diapers (or, even worse, refuse to change diapers), you’re pathetic. That’s no exaggeration — p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. It’s not all that hard, and though the poop sometimes winds up on the fingers, well, uh, yeah. It just does. Wash your hands.
4. Play with dolls and paint your toenails: How many fathers do I know who refuse to get girlish with their girls? Dozens. Dude, put aside the machismo, break out Barbie and slather on some pink polish. You’ll make a friend for life — and nobody else is watching.
5. Do things you don’t want to do: It’s easy to take the kids to the driving range — because you want to be there. Now try spending the day having a tea party at American Girl. Or crawling through one of those wormholes at the nearby kiddie gym. Fun? Often, no. But this isn’t about you.
6. Order the wife to bug off: I recently met a mother who told me her husband hadn’t been alone with their 9-year-old daughter for more than two hours … ever. Inexcusable. Let your wife do her own thing: relax, take a run, whatever. Entertain your children solo. They don’t bite (Note: CNN.com is not liable if your children do, in fact, bite).
7. Surprise! Just once, on a random day without meaning or purpose, show up early at your kid’s school/camp/wherever, say “Get in the car!” and take him/her somewhere special. Just the two of you, alone. A movie. A park. A hike. The memory lasts — I promise.
8. Dishes Don’t Clean Themselves (Nor Do Toys): It’s amazing how this one works. You pick up a dish, run it under hot water with some soap, rub it down with a towel and place it back on the shelf. Then repeat.
9. Wake up your kid: Not often. But if you want to score big points and create a killer memory moment, walk in Junior’s room at, oh, midnight, wake him/her up and go outside for 10 minutes to watch the stars.
10. For God’s sake, tell your kids you love them: They never see you, and they’d probably like to know.
Bud, as you read this your wife is expecting little — and your kids are expecting even less. Pull one out of the blue. Make Father’s Day less about you, and all about them.
The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Jeff Pearlman.
If you give a toddler a nap…
If you give a toddler a nap, she insist that she wants to sleep on mommy and daddy’s bed. If you take her to mommy and daddy’s bed, she will close her eyes and pretend to sleep so you will leave the room. If you leave the room, she will get bored and start to roll around getting all tangled in the blankets. If she gets under all the blankets, she will pretend it is a fort and need some snacks. If she feels hungry, she will notice the Jolly Ranchers left by your midnight snacking husband by the bed and start to roll one around in her mouth, getting all your sheets all sticky. If she gets the bed sticky, she will try and lick off the sticky and get a very dry mouth. If she gets a dry mouth, she will go over to the dresser and get off the water bottle that you left there for your morning drink and drink all the water while looking at herself in the mirror. If she looks in the mirror, she will notice how much she doesn’t look like a zebra and take the Sharpy from the dresser top and start to draw on her arms and legs and face and tummy to make herself look like a zebra. If she makes herself look like a zebra, she will notice she doesn’t blend in with her surroundings and start to draw on the door, the dresser and the bed to make it look more like the Sahara dessert. If she draws on the door, mommy will hear a little noise and come to check on her angel and have a little freak out. If mommy has a little freak out, she will put the toddler in the bathtub to be away from mommy while she cleans up the mess as much as possible. If the toddler goes to the bathtub, the warm water will make her feel sleepy and mommy will come back and tell that toddler that it’s time for a nap…
If You Give a Two Year Old Some Privacy…
If you give a two year old a bathroom break, she will ask for some privacy.
If you close the door, she will kick off her pants and then get done and not tell you. She will start to pick at the toilet paper thinking about wiping herself.
If she starts to pick at the toilet paper, she will realize how fast it turns and she will gleefully pull off the entire roll, never once using it on her bottom.
If she unrolls all the paper, she will get off the toilet and think where all the paper should go. She will proceed to put it in the toilet and try to flush.
If the toilet doesn’t flush, she will leave it there and think about washing her hands. She will get onto the sink and start to pump out the soap.
If she has soaped up her hands, her feet, her legs and her face, she will turn on the water to rinse off.
If the water is running and she has soap on her legs, she will notice the razor that mommy used to shave her legs earlier and try and shave her legs in the sink leaving a lovely mess everywhere but never being able to get off the guard, she will abandon the idea and think about lotioning up after all this washing up.
If she finds the lotion sitting on the sink, she will proceed to pump out a whole bunch and use the mirror to try and get it evenly over her entire face and body. Some of the lotion will get on the mirror and she will attempt to spread it evenly over the mirror, the sink and the entire counter top. After all this lotioning, which mommy has told her not get in her mouth, she will think about how she CAN moisten her mouth and she will head for the petroleum jelly which she will put on her lips and then try and wipe off the excess from her fingers onto her shirt, the sink, the mirror and the entire lotiony counter top.
If she lotions and moisturizes, she will then realize how slippery this whole thing as become and scream for mommy who will be pulled out of her Facebook induced comma to come and see the whole mess.
“It’s only been 5 minutes!”
If Mommy comes in, she will then put the two year old in the bathtub and proceed to clean up the mess while breathing awfully funny like.
Then, while being dried off, the two year old will ask to go potty and insist that she needs privacy.
Sisters
One of my favorite pics I have taken. This pic launched me into taking better pics, but its always good to have a little luck.
Life and Photos by Andy 