Tag Archives: Funny Stories

Small Town Life – Air Force Space Command

Today I needed to call a number I never had called before. I’m usually pretty good with this but let’s blame this one on pregnancy brain, ok?

867-530niiii-iii-iiiine!!!!!

So I dial.

“This is Air Force Space Command. General (somebody) speaking.” IN THE MOST ED HARRIS VOICE EVER!!!!

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! “Ummmm… I’m looking for Dr. Peterson of the Foot and Ankle Clinic?”

He was not some lowly secretary answering phones at the civilian contact office. This was a GENERAL who’s direct line I had happened upon.”This is Air Force Space Command. You definitely have the wrong number!” images (10)

 

But to me it sounded like, “Breach! National Security! Someone GPS this lady and send out those awesome black unmarked SUV’s to pick her up and interrogate her!”

“Sorry?” I hung up red faced and walked out to make sure we weren’t being drone struck.

I dialed one wrong number of 10 and that was it. I was in contact images (9)with exactly who we need if the bad Transformers ever attack or Loki gets out of his handcuffs. 
images (8)

I got your backs, people!

 

Expectant Mother Parking – A recollection from the first pregnancy

BiLo, my regular grocery store in North Carolina, has parking for expectant mothers. Wow! How did I not notice that until I was pregnant? I mean, parking for handicapped people makes sense but… now, wait a minute. This maternity parking makes even more sense! Handicapped people are disabled their whole lives. They get used to it. We are only incapable of walking for 9 months at a time and only a few times in our lives. Therefore it would stand to logic that those who are not used to having a disability get even better parking spots. Although this logic holds no weight whatsoever, I use it to make myself feel better about using these extraordinarily good parking spaces.

BiLo only has two maternity spots. My parents were visiting and my dad was going to the store with me. I was so excited to show off my newly found parking status. (I refrained from using these spots during the first trimester as I really didn’t feel pregnant.) But as we pulled into the parking lot and I prepared to skid into my personal parking spot, I saw it was taken by none other than a moped. Yes, a tiny little gas efficient motorcycle. What expectant mother is driving a moped? Even the eco-conscious pregnant ladies of Asheville, NC are not going to ride a moped while expecting. I steamed and fumed to my dad that there’s no way that’s an expectant mother. We parked 5 spots further from the door than I should have and as we made our way in we saw the culprit heading out of the door. He wasn’t even at his vehicle when I knew he belonged to it – a thirty something MALE with a 6 pack of beer. Ok, you may be thinking, “Those Asheville women get pretty burly. Are you sure it wasn’t a woman?” Let me leave no doubt in your mind. It was a man. I commented to my dad, “Having a beer gut and man boobs does not qualify you as an expectant mother.” I had half a mind to go up and let him have a piece of my hormone induced mind. But my dad held me back and then bought me Oreos.

More About the Mug

Andy and I can’t do finances together. It’s not like we don’t talk about purchases or debt or collaborate on what to spend money on but… he’s in charge and I’m good with that. However, lately, we have been a little tight and not knowing everything about the money, I’m still aware of that. Needless to say, when I came home from work and saw a new camera lens on the counter, I wondered, just for a second, if he had gone mad. I mean, it looked like an expensive lens. I didn’t get a close look. Just glanced and said, “Is that new?”

“Yep.”

“Hmmm…” and I was back out to work. I let it go…. mostly.

The next day I was at lunch and perusing Facebook and saw his post about the new mug and out loud started laughing.

“Is that a MUG?!”

“Yeah. You thought it was a real lens?”

Come on, from far away and without close inspection, it could totally pass for a lens!

There was a good laugh had by all!

new mug flat

Adventures in Babysitting

Although I don’t actually remember these events occurring this is how they have been relayed to me in bits and pieces.

One summer when I was about 2, my parents asked my 9 year old brother to watch me. My brother was more interested in watching cartoons then me. I decided to look for my mom, who was working as the summer camp nurse. I exited the front and headed down the front steps. I started walking down our street – naked. Well, I had a diaper on. But being naked makes for a better story.

My journey continued down the the side of the state road until I was in front of our local elementary school. As I walked down the road looking for my mom, cars kept passing me. Finally, one gentlemen decided to stop and pick me up and figure out who I belonged to. He found the house and left me with my brother again.

The details are a little rough about whether the gentleman was a policeman or not. Somehow, social services was called. They came out to the house and discovered that there was no child abuse, after talking with my mother. There are many unanswered questions. Who was the stranger who picked me up? Was he a policeman? How did he find my house? How did I get so far down the road and not get hit by a car? Why did this person leave me with my brother AGAIN and him not even notice who he was, his face, his profession… nothing?

To this day I am convinced that gentlemen was my guardian angel and I am still alive because God was looking out for me. I live today to retell this tale and to constantly give my brother grief for neglecting me.

Shock

It was my Senior year at a small Liberal Arts College in Maryland, just outside the District of Columbia. A police officer had been fatally shot and a man hunt was on for the suspect. During this time I went to pick up  one of my Bermudian friends to check out a church, that he would be preaching at. After picking him up we were stopped at a stop sign and a police siren starts blaring. I pull over to get out of the way.  I look out my window and see four undercover policemen approaching us with M-16’s and other hand guns drawn.  In the moment I have no idea what is going on and was in shock. I had never been in that type of situation before in my life. They started yelling at me to turn off my engine. The only words I can utter is “Yes Officer”.  The officers were still searching for that same cop killer. Since I was a white guy driving a black guy they wanted to make sure I wasn’t being abducted. I know some would be upset about the situation because of racial profiling, but I can’t fault the police because of the high tensions at the time. They did eventually catch the cop killer. Even though I was scared and stressed out at the moment. I can now sit back and chuckle with my friends, Colorblind, about this story.