If you give a toddler a nap, she insist that she wants to sleep on mommy and daddy’s bed. If you take her to mommy and daddy’s bed, she will close her eyes and pretend to sleep so you will leave the room. If you leave the room, she will get bored and start to roll around getting all tangled in the blankets. If she gets under all the blankets, she will pretend it is a fort and need some snacks. If she feels hungry, she will notice the Jolly Ranchers left by your midnight snacking husband by the bed and start to roll one around in her mouth, getting all your sheets all sticky. If she gets the bed sticky, she will try and lick off the sticky and get a very dry mouth. If she gets a dry mouth, she will go over to the dresser and get off the water bottle that you left there for your morning drink and drink all the water while looking at herself in the mirror. If she looks in the mirror, she will notice how much she doesn’t look like a zebra and take the Sharpy from the dresser top and start to draw on her arms and legs and face and tummy to make herself look like a zebra. If she makes herself look like a zebra, she will notice she doesn’t blend in with her surroundings and start to draw on the door, the dresser and the bed to make it look more like the Sahara dessert. If she draws on the door, mommy will hear a little noise and come to check on her angel and have a little freak out. If mommy has a little freak out, she will put the toddler in the bathtub to be away from mommy while she cleans up the mess as much as possible. If the toddler goes to the bathtub, the warm water will make her feel sleepy and mommy will come back and tell that toddler that it’s time for a nap…
If you close the door, she will kick off her pants and then get done and not tell you. She will start to pick at the toilet paper thinking about wiping herself.
If she starts to pick at the toilet paper, she will realize how fast it turns and she will gleefully pull off the entire roll, never once using it on her bottom.
If she unrolls all the paper, she will get off the toilet and think where all the paper should go. She will proceed to put it in the toilet and try to flush.
If the toilet doesn’t flush, she will leave it there and think about washing her hands. She will get onto the sink and start to pump out the soap.
If she has soaped up her hands, her feet, her legs and her face, she will turn on the water to rinse off.
If the water is running and she has soap on her legs, she will notice the razor that mommy used to shave her legs earlier and try and shave her legs in the sink leaving a lovely mess everywhere but never being able to get off the guard, she will abandon the idea and think about lotioning up after all this washing up.
If she finds the lotion sitting on the sink, she will proceed to pump out a whole bunch and use the mirror to try and get it evenly over her entire face and body. Some of the lotion will get on the mirror and she will attempt to spread it evenly over the mirror, the sink and the entire counter top. After all this lotioning, which mommy has told her not get in her mouth, she will think about how she CAN moisten her mouth and she will head for the petroleum jelly which she will put on her lips and then try and wipe off the excess from her fingers onto her shirt, the sink, the mirror and the entire lotiony counter top.
If she lotions and moisturizes, she will then realize how slippery this whole thing as become and scream for mommy who will be pulled out of her Facebook induced comma to come and see the whole mess.
“It’s only been 5 minutes!”
If Mommy comes in, she will then put the two year old in the bathtub and proceed to clean up the mess while breathing awfully funny like.
Then, while being dried off, the two year old will ask to go potty and insist that she needs privacy.