What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Fish or Cut Bait

All issues are divorce or get over it. You can discuss. You can argue. You can come to a mutual agreement. You can never come to an agreement. You can fight, yell, cuss, whine and scream. But in the end, no matter what the resolution or NOT, either you get over it or divorce. That’s it.

Couples who never let stuff go, the ones who bring it up over and over, never are happy. Those are the couples who have told the story so many times it’s mindless rote memory. These are the husbands who “tease” their wives and it grinds dirt into an already open wound. These are the wives who have annoyed their husbands with passive aggressive comments until the husbands no longer hear anything they say, tuning out the good and the bad together. These are the people who say, “I don’t care but…” and that “but” negates everything they said before.

The best advice I ever got to let stuff go is to stop telling the story – first out loud to others, and then to yourself. After a while, you won’t even remember whatever the incident was.

Oh, there is not just one incident? It’s a pattern of behavior you say? Well, that’s NOT different! Either you can’t live with it or you are going to live with it. It is soul crushing and relationship killing to not let it go and stay with that partner. It’s like holding someone by the neck tie and yelling and them to get away from you. You have to fish or cut bait.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Texts

It’s important to communicate with your partner. Not only is it nice to speak kindly but it’s important to let them in on your life. You cannot be secretive or keep things to yourself or even just forget to check in. You MUST communicate smoothly with your partner. They need to know.

Andy and I text throughout the day. I tell him where I’m going and he tells me the same. I let him know if I’m leaving the house, where I’m headed and if I have an ETA. He lets me know if he’s going to get something to eat or if I need to leave the meal out that I made for the kids so he can have some later. He texts me if he finds that he is not needing to work on a night when I expect him to be working and he lets me know when he’s on his way home just in case I need him to stop at the store for something.

Little things need to be communicated, regardless of whether you think that’s important or not. It is courtesy. It is communication. REMEMBER! Speak. Tell. Don’t make your partner pull things out of you. Offer the information. Be aware of them and their needs.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Henpecking

One thing I noticed as I grew up and listened to women gathering around was the henpecking of husbands.

“My husband doesn’t clean up his socks.”

“My husband leaves hair in the sink!”

“My husband always wants to have sex all the time.”

Mercy. There was so much annoyance with these men. Why did they put up with it? I didn’t really want to get married. I mean, my body and culture told me that finding a mate was important but then all this discontent made me think that maybe I should just avoid it. When things started to get serious with Andy, I had alot of doubts and no comfort to be found.

Until one day…

When a lady and I were taking a mid day stroll and she told me how much she loved being married and that her husband was awesome and 12 years later they were happy.

I thought about my parents who are still married after 30 years and my aunts and uncles and Andy’s relatives that are still married. There had to be something there.

I found that when I talked up Andy, I loved him all the more. I found friends who liked to be married and talked about their husbands in a positive way. Since I have been married, I have found more and more people like this.

It’s easy to henpeck. Who doesn’t like a good gripe session “just to clear the air?” But the truth is, this doesn’t make marriage fun. In fact, it magnifies every thing that you are discontented with.

Find the things that your mate does that make you happy and share them when you can. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. If you have something nice, SAY IT! Talk them up because what you talk about when you aren’t around them is what you think about when you are. If you tell your girlfriends that your husband is an amazing dad who plays with the kids, you will go home and notice as soon as he takes time to spend with the children.

Try it and see what happens.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Silence

Ok, so I happened to be privy to one side of a conversation between a husband and wife (wife side), when the phone rang, the wife, having been awoken from a sound sleep by the call, didn’t even listen to one thing the husband said before she berated him for calling when he knew she was sleeping. At that moment, I changed my mind about how I was going to talk to my husband.

My cousin Jay told me that men just want to be treated nice. This is also true of women. I believe that familiarity breads contempt, But we did WANT to live together, after all. Can’t we just talk nice? I’m amazed at how mean I hear people talk to each other. BOTH SIDES!!!

I’ve heard husbands treat their wives like dirt and women parent their husbands. Come on, people! Expectations that your mate will be a certain way or conform to a set of behaviors will inevitably bring out the “teacher” in everyone. Watch your tone of voice and realize that when someone tells you that you are making them feel a certain way, you need to take note and think about how you are treating them.

Remember you are not your mates teacher. You ‘are their helpmate, their partner, their buddy!