We took some time to wander main street this afternoon, and and take in the ice sculptures. The theme this year was Frozen. We saw lots of little girls dressed up like Elsa and Anna. Even saw a mommy dressed up like Olaf.
How many of us are selfish and want our own way? (Yes, you better be raising your hand because we all are.)
Truth: When two people hop into a relationship, they are saying, “Hey, let’s do (at least some) stuff together.” They aren’t always going to agree and they aren’t always going to want to give in. Couples don’t have to do everything together. But if you never agree and never compromise then you aren’t in a relationship. You are roommates… maybe.
You cannot expect your partner to change or do things. We cannot change other’s – only ourselves. This means that you, yes you, must be the one to compromise. DON’T GIVE YOUR PARTNER A LOOK RIGHT NOW!
You have to be the one to change your mind.
When Andy and I first got married, I had a very definite way I wanted the house kept. When he didn’t meet that expectation, I had three options: divorce him, keep up the house myself with no expection for him to help, change my mind about how the house should be kept. Option 2 and option 3 are equally acceptable in this situation. Do not expect you partner to do anything. Either do it yourself or give up the expectation that it should be done.
There are a few things that one should expect in a relationship – mutual respect for one. A person should be able to be in a relationship and expect not to be cheated on. They should also feel free from abuse – verbal, mental, and physical.
One thing that puts relationships on the rocks from the get go is when one person is “saving” the other. There is no thought for compatibility. You must realize from the beginning that if you are either being saved or saving, this relationship is doomed. You cannot save someone (with a romantic relationship OR a friendship or any type of relationship) from poverty, depression, mental illness, or addiction. A person who is saved by another is automatically obligated to that person, no matter how much that savior insists they are not. A person who saves someone automatically has the expectation that the saved person will not fall back into the pit they were pulled out of and there is to much hurt when they do to not create relationship killing tension.
Real compatibility must be free of expectation. This means that there are common interests but no expectation for someone who is not a camper to become one once the relationship has been going for a while. There may be inside jokes between a couple but there can be no expectation for a partner to make your day better by being funny.
Do not expect someone to convert to your religion or keep your customs. Do not expect a partner to want to honor every family tradition you are used to. Do not expect an understanding of a culture someone did not grow up in.
I’m not saying that people who do not share a common religion, race and/or culture should not be together but if you find a special someone and expect them to move to another country, join a new church or learn to cook a new cuisine just to satisfy you, you are kidding yourself.
What do you think? Am I totally off base? Should we expect someone to change themselves for us? Are my rules unreasonable?
First of all, the older we get, the more our bodies change. We won’t be that wonderful combination of super model and girl next door forever. You can’t expect that a woman will pop out three kids and look like a Hollywood starlet. You can’t expect that a man will work like a dog to provide you with what you need and still have abs like he did when his life centered around working out and playing video games.
Snuggling: well, we all know that peoples limbs fall asleep and a chest isn’t as comfortable as a pillow. Sex is messy and life is hard and we all need a sleep number bed and maybe a CPAP someday so…. There’s that.
Love is not grand romantic gestures and kissing in the rain. Do that sometimes if you can but remember that the best relationships are the ones that have a husband who makes coffee for his wife every morning and a wife that jumps up and kisses him as soon as he walks through the door every day. They are the ones who make each other a priority all the time and who just plain treat each other nice.
What has your experience been? Have you been as frustrated with Hollywood’s portrayal of love as I have?
This series of articles are about relationship advice. I don’t want to get to preachy but I feel like I have something to say about relationships. I’ve been married for 10 years now and we still like each other. That’s saying something. I know many people have been married longer than I and what works for one couple might not work for another but there are a few universal truths that I think apply to all relationships, no matter the dynamic.
The whole premise of this series is expectation. My thesis is simply status thus: Unrealistic and therefore unrealized expectations will kill relationships.
Let’s be honest, there are alot of things that we expect out of a partner. We may not even realize that we expect things until we don’t get them.
Who puts these expectations in our heads? Could be parents who insist on telling us what we deserve or what they deserved and didn’t get. Often it is the media with love stories containing grand romantic gestures. It could be observation of other relationships from the outside. Whatever the reason, most people go into a relationship with expectation and often months or even years into it, they are still expecting.
So many are doomed to experience the letdown. Either there are feelings that the relationship has lost the “fire” or someone isn’t getting what they “deserve.” Regardless, many relationships are abandoned due to unrealized, unrealistic expectations.
Can this be avoided? You may agree with me or you may not. I can’t wait what you have to input!
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