OBGYNs – Men Should Beware… This is a Girl Post

I’m going to take this opportunity to rant about my first OBGYN appointment from my first pregnancy. I was referred to this clinic by someone who knows they are good but has a different doctor than me. I have to admit that the nurses are nice. That’s the only reason I continued going there. I walk in and almost immediately, I realize that I’m in a bit of trouble. There are pictures of live birth EVERYWHERE! In the lobby, the pics are mild: sweaty mothers holding their somewhat gooey newborns… but as you progress further in, the pictures get worse. LIVE BIRTHS means vaginas stretched to the size of softballs as a HEAD comes out! Baby faces squished like little prunes protruding from places not meant to be photographed. It’s scary. I’m giving my urine sample and there’s a crowning picture staring back at me.

There are three very large dogs. Not really that big of a deal. They are friendly and dog people are usually my kind of people except it’s summer time in Asheville, NC and the dogs are HUGE huskies and shedding like it’s going out of style. Isn’t a doctor’s office supposed to be sterile or somethin’…? They also lie in the path of any unsuspecting pregnant chick and let me tell you, some of those ladies are not capable of putting on matching socks in the morning let alone avoiding a monster dog lying in their path.

They ask me to go and have my ultrasound, but apparently I have to empty my bladder first. So I do that, then I go see my baby on the monitor (sooo cool!!!). Then I am asked to wait in a smaller waiting room that is not an examining room. The usual weight and blood pressure measurements are taken. Then they ask me for a urine sample. Couldn’t they have used all the stuff I just let out before the ultrasound? Then I have to sit and drink a bottle of water and wait for 20 minutes just so I can give them a urine sample. After waiting for the full 20 minutes, I give them the sample and wait some more until I am finally allowed into the examining room to WAIT for the doctor. Couldn’t I have been waiting for the doctor at the same time as waiting for the urine sample? OK, maybe she needed to see the results. Then she examines me and the whole time she’s looking up my vagina, she’s humming “It’s Now or Never.” No seriously. She’s not talking to me unless she has a pertinent question. Now guys, I’m sorry, but you may want to really skip this part…. there is this metal thing they put up there and spread out so they can see up into the recesses of the female genitalia. She puts it up there, realizes she has forgotten something and WALKS AWAY. The metal device snaps shut and SHOOTS out of me across the room! “Oops,” she murmurs. Finally, she gets a good look and I redress before we go into her office to… talk, I guess… Anyway, she is still humming and she spends 5 minutes trying to figure out my due date. She’s not talking to me, just humming, looking back and forth at the ultrasound pictures and my chart and back and forth and wielding what looks to be some sort of circular calendar. She is muttering about how the pictures and my recollection of my last period just don’t seem to match up but she’s not asking me a question. Just talking and humming to herself. I start to get somewhat uncomfortable when she finally looks up at me and I need to come in for my next ultrasound at 16 weeks to find out the sex of the baby. Now I know it’s supposed to be 20 weeks for sure. Casey’s ultrasound was at 20 weeks, all the baby books say it’s supposed to be at 20 weeks, and Google definitely thinks 20 weeks is the norm. I ask. She doesn’t believe me. She tells me that she has the best ultrasound chick ever and that she can always tell at 16 weeks. So then I’m finally leaving and they tell me they need blood work. WHAT?! I’ve been there for 2 hours. Couldn’t they have gotten the blood work when I was waiting for the urine sample? Or maybe when I was waiting for the doctor? Or maybe one of the other times I was WAITING?! Good grief!!!!!! Two weeks later I receive a call from the OBGYN office saying that someone scheduled my 20 week ultrasound for my 16th week and would I be willing to reschedule. Sure. Why the heck not?

Several weeks later upon entering the lobby of this same clinic (that I still use to this day) I noticed a suggestion box. I thought about printing out my blog entry dealing with my first visit and putting it in there. My OBGYN was always weird and wildly inappropriate but if you can handle that kind of thing, she will provide you with endless entertainment, especially if you are in the habit of sharing your exploits on the internet.

I did get a bit annoyed when I had high blood pressure and migraines and she prescribed me a narcotic and equated it to giving the baby a drink of alcohol every time I took one. I would never recommend disobeying or lying to your doctor… unless she is insane.

The OBGYN clinic I went to wanted us to see every doctor they had just in case that was the one that happened to be on call when we went into labor. There was only one male OBGYN and I have to say that he was as weird as my assigned OBGYN. He gets into the office without to much of a wait and he has a hemp necklace with a huge turquoise charm. Very Asheville aka hippie. He also has this pasted on Guy Smiley kind of smile. The whole time we’re talking he is smiling like a pastor’s wife. It’s hilarious! He asks me what we’re going to talk about today. I’m like, “Ummm… you’re the doctor. Why the heck do I have to schedule appointments every 3 weeks if you don’t know what we are going to talk about?” Needless to say, I didn’t say that out loud. I just said, “Nothing?” So I hear the heartbeat of the baby (very cool although I have to wonder what distinguishes it from my heartbeat? How do I know that the weird sensations down there aren’t just gas?) Then he’s like, “Well, that’s it.” Shortest appointment of all time. But I was very amused by the game show host smile. It was eerie. I mean, just plain weird… at least he didn’t hum. He ended up delivering Abby. I saw him again when I was pregnant the second time and he was just as weird. The outbreak of H1N1 was in full swing and I asked him what he thought about me getting inoculated. He told me to tell him if I found out anything about the outbreak or inoculation because he had no idea. At my next appointment, my regular doctor was appalled and sent me in to get the shot at that very moment.

Between pregnancies, I did switch doctors and the new OBGYN always laughed at my jokes therefore helping me sustain the illusion that the world revolves around me.